SINGLE: unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.
According to Google, the words above describe the second definition for the word single. Does anyone else find this hilarious? I do, because part of being “single” is being involved in sexual relationships… just not stable (or rational) ones.
I would say my single days were tightly packed into the eight months I lived in Telluride, Colorado. Shortly after I returned home, I was introduced to Rodney, who would become my husband, the father of my four children, my ex-husband and then sadly, my late ex-husband.
We were married for a little over 10 years. My divorce at first was very tumultuous; I wanted it and he did not. I will just leave it at that. Like past posts I have written, the experience pulled me away like a rip tide and when I returned to shore I was depleted of life and love from trying to stay afloat.
Being single after a divorce is a lot like landing on a deserted island; unaware of your surroundings and in desperate need to learn the native language and also how to survive. But, let me tell you, it is an adventure that if you do it the right way, will teach you how to love yourself. You will strengthen your intuition, your voice, your body, and your mind, and with those strengths, who you choose to spend time getting to know and eventually love.
It took me a good four to five years of being single to learn that. Four to five loooong years!
And so, I will share with you a little bit about how I came to be a very proud, strong single women who loves herself and who now knows the true definition of love.
There I was, 36-years-old and single; dating practically for the first time in my adult life. I had a high school sweetheart, who I dated well into college. The breakup was so bad it forced me to move to Colorado for a breather, and in my return I met Rodney. Actually, I was introduced to him by my great uncle Sergio; so, I always joked it was an arranged marriage. I married at 24. So, at 36, the dating scene was completely new to me and to be perfectly honest – terrifying. I felt like it was an exclusive club I had no business wanting to be a part of! I was a mom, I failed at marrying the right man, and I had no career. What was I going to talk about?
But, I ventured out anyway. I reconnected with my single girlfriends and I started this blog, which got me out on the town for charity events and back onto the fashion scene. I found comfort in those things surrounded by other women. I was not looking to date, but found myself at these events meeting men and having to answer all of those important ice breaker questions. The question 90% ask all of the time and still to this day is, ” Do you live in town?” And, always in my head I am saying, “Nope! I live 60 miles away. And why do I live 60 miles away? Because I have 4 kids!” I look at them and smile and say, “No. I live in Mattapoisett.”
In return, I usually receive a glazed over look from them. I can practically read their minds, hearing them think, “I don’t even know where that is.” Or, if they aren’t geologically dumbfounded, then they seem to say with their eyes, “Okay, thanks for playing moving on…”
It took me a while to learn how to process the fact that a geographical location could immediately turn off a guy from potentially meeting a life changing partner. Instead, at that moment, I thought to myself being single sucks. I’m pretty sure most single people will agree. But what I have come to learn is that being single is life changing. So, I will be more specific, dating sucks.
I remember one instance on Nantucket. It was Wine Fest 2010, and we were dancing up a storm to the Joshua Tree at the Chicken Box. A handsome man started talking to me, he bought me drinks and we attempted to talk over the U2 cover band’s intoxicating music. I noticed that even when he would stroll away for a bit, he would quickly come right back and stand by me. I could feel the attraction between us. But, the entire experience was marred. Ruined by my constant worries and insecurities. How do I tell him that I am divorced and have kids? Would he ask me for my number? Does he think I’m going to leave with him? Should I? Will he care that I have four kids? Does being a single mom make me less attractive? That will probably turn him away- right? So I didn’t engage him like I should have. And, the next morning, while nursing our hangovers with bloody marys, my girlfriend’s were floored I didn’t get his number. Kate said his friend said, “Mr. Sudbury was so enamored by you, he told his friend he had just met the girl he was going to marry.” HUH? To this day, I think back to that night and I bet he was new to the single scene, just like I was. Maybe he was fresh off a relationship or a divorce and like myself was too afraid to take the chance or maybe he thought I just wasn’t interested. I was, I was just scared.
All that worrying for nothing. I missed out on enjoying a moment because I was so preoccupied with what would happen next and what he would think of me. I didn’t live in the now. I did what so many of us single daters do. I doubted myself and became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well, seven years later, I still think of that handsome man every now and then. (Mr. Sudbury- sadly, that’s all I ever learned about him.) I wonder what happened to him. There was a story there. Again, maybe he had a girlfriend at the time, newly divorced, maybe he was married or is now. But, it’s a reminder to me of the pitfalls of being single, and of the primary rule in dating: You must learn to love yourself and be proud of your life and your story before you can love someone else. There is no truer statement than this when it comes to matters of the heart.
Look, I’m not a relationship expert by any means. But, I’ve been single long enough, and have had enough single friends to know that when one has self-doubt or low self-esteem he or she will enter relationships for the wrong reasons. And generally, being lonely highlights our insecurities. So, if you’re single and insecure, you look to fill that void. When it’s your weekend without the kids, it’s nice to have someone to go out on a date. When your home at night and the kids are asleep, it feels good to have someone to text or talk to on the phone. But, when there’s a gaping hole in your heart, and you don’t fill it with self-love, it seems to be that we always let the wrong people fill it. Other insecure people who need self-validation know where these holes are. They tend to find each other. Both in need, and completely wrong for one another. These are those unstable sexual relationships we joked about earlier. Jealousy, being overly needy, and then the opposite of shutting people out before they can do the hurting first. These are just some of the miserable results that can come from a scenario when you haven’t learned how to be happy on your own.
Seven years later, and I no longer feel lost as I get ready for a night out on the town. In fact, I feel empowered. The hot spots may change, but they are still basically the same. However, I have changed. There are a couple of popular locations in Boston where everyone always wants to go because they are “loaded with men.” I have to laugh, because they are hotel lobby restaurants. One has been around for a while, and it took me some time to realize the reason it’s loaded with men is because it is in a HOTEL! All of those “men” are traveling businessmen, and most of them are married. Trust me. It is the truth. Please don’t let me scare you. Most are just there for conversation, but for a single women looking for her forever partner it is not a good mix. Basically, it is a waste of time, hot smokey eyes, and good outfit! lol!
Here is a tip: If you are newly single, go out with your veteran girlfriends. Recently, Jessica and I were out at Strip by Strega, and we were about to leave. I was paying the tab and a guy came up to me and said, “Well, at least let me buy you a drink tonight.”
I politely declined and told him I was about to leave. He stood next to me for about eight minutes. He introduced himself, but that was it. When I was leaving Jess said, “He was cute. Did you get his number?”
I said, “No, there is a story there Jess. If he was interested in finding “the one” and he was attracted to me, he would have made the most of the eight minutes we had and eventually asked for my number.”
He did not. I also pointed out that we were in a restaurant that was in a hotel. She said, “Wow, I would have never thought of that.”
I smiled and thought to myself you have come a long way Kim!
With that being said, I don’t want to leave this post on a negative note. While I may feel a little pessimistic toward the single’s scene. I’ve learned so much about myself. I’m a strong, caring, independent woman. I’m a mother to four amazing kids. I’m now a widow. I can get things done on my own. I love myself. I deserve as strong a love in return, and I have found it. That, my dear Mamas, is another post for another day. Because, that love story is still unfolding. However, I am still technically single. So, when I do venture out socially, I now know I won’t compromise myself and I won’t settle. None of us should ever settle. That doesn’t mean that the other person is necessarily bad. It’s just that if you don’t want to share the beauty of the stars with that person, they are not the one. There’s something special that happens inside of you when you hug someone you truly love. There’s a joy and warmth that fills your heart and moves through your chest. It makes its ways to your cheeks, pulling up a sweet little smile. It is patience and it is a choice to greet that person every day with love for the both of you. That’s true love, wanting to share the basic beauties of life and receiving a warm heart. Sure, healthy and fun sex is part of it. But, that isn’t what will make the relationship last.
I’ve also learned that we’re all (both men and women) to some extent in the same boat. We all want to find true love. Some of us don’t know it yet or bury it deep down inside of us. It’s just that our personal definitions vary so much. Some of us bring a lot of baggage to our relationships handed to us from our parents or our past, which is sad. And that is what we have to unpack and overcome.
And then, it comes down to simple personal preferences. Some men like blondes, some like brunettes, some like the ladies who are all brains, and some want the gals who are all… well, you know. I’ve been told over the years by men that I am too tall, that they prefer blondes, or that they want their own children. But, I now know there is someone out there who is looking for a woman just like you and just like me. We all have our type. It’s like a massive game of memory, where there are hundreds of thousands of cards, and you just have to keep flipping them over until you find the one that matches you. But use protection all on levels… when engaging in the, “Ah-what-the-hell-one-night-stand”, or the definition of single we stated above.
Please remember this, the most important form of protection is to never stop working on making yourself strong. Love yourself so much that no one can break you. I have also learned that there are no mistakes in life. I didn’t make a mistake and choose the wrong man to marry. Our marriage happened and led me to other things; better things. That happened because I decided to learn and grow from my past choices. I am not the person who I was in 2010; I am better!
I will leave you with these quotes and a few fun pictures of my early days on the single scene: this quote below being my favorite!
“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.”
– Fred Rogers
Love, Kimberly
XOXO
“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”
– Stacey Charter
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
– Lao-Tzu
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
– Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
“The better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to show off.”
– Robert Hand
May you I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.
– Lucille Ball
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
– Louise L. Hay
“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”
– Oscar Wilde
“Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.”
– Helen Keller
“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.”
– Malcolm S. Forbes
